Infertility, just like any other
challenge, has the ability to pull couples apart. It also has the ability to draw couples
together and strengthen marriages. The
decision to lean toward independence or dependence is up to the individuals
involved. There are common challenges
among couples dealing with infertility, but there are ways to overcome them.
1. Having to listen to insensitive comments or unsolicited
advice
Individuals and couples dealing
with infertility are sometimes asked to personal of questions by family,
friends, or even strangers. For example,
someone might ask you if you or your spouse is the one who is infertile. They might assume you don’t know what you’re
doing or that you’re doing something wrong.
You may be told to just relax and not think about it or reassured that
it will happen when it’s meant to happen.
To draw closer to one
another: Realize that most people are well meaning in their advice or
comments. Meaning is always in the
person and not the word, right? We all
take things differently and it’s important to let these things go. Though, there words might not bring comfort
to you try and remember that they most likely said it because they care and
want to support you. When you need to or
feel like it open up to your spouse and listen to them. Don’t allow yourself or your spouse to
believe any insensitive comments or advice concerning your fertility.
2. Finances involved with infertility
Treating infertility isn’t
cheap. In fact for many couples it is
the difference between saving for the future and spending their money for a
chance to become parents. Some insurance
plan cover infertility treatment, but this coverage varies among policies and
is often not enough to cover all expenses or treatments. The out of pocket expenses or not covered
treatments can lead to fights or resentments if spouses disagree on cost
effectiveness or either is pressured to go through with costly treatments.
To draw closer to one
another: Talk about what your individual goals are for “your” money. Don’t assume that your spouse wants the same
things you do and discuss these differences.
Come to an agreement on what you both are willing to spend in order to
become mother and father, along with what treatments or procedures you are
willing to endure.
3. The possibility of fertility treatments failing or the
possibility of never having children
Infertility can be treated and many
times fertility treatments are successful.
Couples get pregnant with the help of fertility treatments all the time,
but these successful cases don’t necessarily mean that you will have the same
results with treatments. Nor do
unsuccessful cases affect your chances of getting pregnant. Infertility is different for each couple and
it may even take several treatments or cycles for a couple to conceive. In other cases couples may go through several
treatments or cycles without success or stop treatments due to the physical and
psychological toll. This can lead to
feelings of hopelessness or helplessness and may even cause issues in the
bedroom.
To draw closer to one
another: Decide together when to end treatment or express when you need to
take a break to your spouse. If you feel
like you have reached your limit regarding treatments, then decide with your
spouse how you will move forward.
Specifically, determine whether you will pursue adoption or accept that
you will be childless. Also, don’t allow
infertility to create intimacy issues.
Share your true feelings with your spouse. View sex beyond procreation and understand
that its purpose goes beyond this single goal; it bonds couples and strengthens
marriages, so don’t let fertility issues stop you from expressing your love to
your spouse. Seek counseling when you
feel like you need professional help dealing with these issues.
4. Feeling left out or lonely because your friends and
family already have children
You might
feel isolated as you compare yourself to all of your family and friends who are
parents. It’s a lonely feeling not
having someone in your daily life that can relate to what you’re going
through. Reproductive issues are not
commonly brought up or put out in the open for everyone to see. It is a personal matter and in many cases it
may stay private due to an individual or couple feeling ashamed and embarrassed
or fearing of judgment.
Though I
think it’s safe advice, at least here in the U.S., to get rid of any fear of
being judged by others and to avoid feeling ashamed about an issue that is not
your fault. I hope you feel safe enough
to share your struggle(s) with those closest to you and even in situations you
feel comfortable telling others. They
may not always know exactly what you’re going through, but at least they will
understand why you might skip a family function every now and then. You may find that joining an online support
group removes this isolation, so go try it out if you’ve thought about it.
To draw closer to one
another: Tell your spouse when you experience feelings of loneliness or shame. Comfort and listen to your spouse when they
confide in you. Avoid comparing yourself
to others and instead focus on the future.
Live your life! If you don’t feel
up to attending a family gathering or your friend’s baby shower, because it’s
too much that day, then don’t. Explain
to family and friends, if needed, your reason behind skipping out occasionally.
5. The side effects of fertility treatment drugs, hormones,
and injectables.
Fertility medications have been
known to cause irritability, mood swings, sleeping interruptions, depression,
mania, thinking problems, and anxiety.
Though, it is sometimes difficult to identify the true cause of these
psychological reactions when dealing with infertility and fertility
treatments.
To draw closer to one
another: Practice forgiveness in your marriage, especially during
treatments. Be understanding and
considerate when you notice that your spouse might be on edge or getting
upset. Communicate when you’re feeling
like you’re no longer in control or grumpy for no reason. This sometimes helps the forgiveness process,
as well as dealing with the side effects.
Breathe deeply and practice other relaxing techniques to help conquer
these unwelcomed emotions.
6. The emotional cost to individuals and couples.
Infertility often is an individual
diagnosis, but it affects the entire couple.
One spouse may be affected by the fertility problem more than the other,
but together they bear this burden. The
hardship of not being able to bear children or not being able to carry a baby
to full term takes a toll on its survivors.
The roller coaster of emotions comes with episodes of depression and
anxiety.
To draw closer to one
another: If you’re experiencing these trying emotions, then lean on your supportive
spouse, who can acts as the temporary strength through these trying times. Get comfortable feeling vulnerable with your
spouse. They are not there to judge you;
they are there to help you through life’s challenges.
It can be
challenging to desire parenthood, but be unable to have children
naturally. Remember that there is help
out there and the options go beyond what you realize. It may take time to overcome the challenges
that come with infertility, but together you and your spouse can draw closer
together.
By Tawnya