With marriage comes conflict. No two persons are alike and this is a good
thing. You might otherwise find your
marriage rather boring than the growing experience it is meant to be. If you think of conflict as an opportunity,
then you will more easily enjoy its benefits.
First, define what you want from
conflict that will arise, along with
what you don’t want. For me, I do not
want conflict to slowly destroy my marriage; I want conflict to help us become
aware of any problems, change our bad habits, understand one another, clarify our
goals, and ultimately grow together, as well as individually. Keeping your goals in mind during conflicts
will allow you to see more clearly and act intentionally, instead of just reacting. I have noticed in my own marriage that as I
remember my main goal, “to strengthen my marriage”, that I am calmer during our
disagreements.
Conflict
management also requires that the appropriate communication style be identified
for the situation. This could include:
avoiding, obliging, compromising, or collaborating. You will only want to avoid a conflict if you
don’t care about the issue. You oblige
when it is more important to give up what you want for what your spouse wants
or again you don’t care about the decision.
You compromise when you cannot come to an agreement, but instead give a
little to get a little. My favorite is
to collaborate because it is win-win, but it definitely requires some
creativity to come up with a solution that you and your spouse agree on.
Stop doing the following: start a
discussion with a harsh criticism, criticize their character, deceive, compete,
get defensive, “stonewall”, display contempt, be passive aggressive, be rigid
or inflexible, allow negativity to escalate, become dramatic, and especially complain to others about the
problem instead of your spouse.
Start doing the following: care about
your spouse and you, actively listen, empathize, validate feelings (not
behavior), admit responsibility, apologize, make “repair” attempt, express
anger in moderation, forgive past wrongs, and most importantly express positive
things much more than negative things.
I cannot
say that I have ever enjoyed conflict, but I can admit that I have enjoyed some
of the benefits as I manage the conflicts.
Though, one thing I still catch myself using is “you” statements when I
know I should be using “I”
statements. I have messed up repeatedly,
but I still want to improve and so I continue to work on replacing my
tendencies with healthy habits. When I
realize I have started a conversation harshly I use a “repair attempt”, which
is to apologize and then rephrase the problem more sensitively. For example, instead of, or even after,
saying, “You never turn off the lights when you leave the room!” you might say,
“I’m sorry I shouldn't have said that.
Do over! I really just wanted you to turn off the light.”
Managing conflict is a skill that
we must learn; it is certainly not in our genetic makeup. The promise like with anything else is that
with effort and practice it will get easier.
Like me, you will most likely mess
up and that is okay because the real goal is persistence. Persistence is what will improve your
marriage and bring the individual growth you desire. So I challenge you to manage your next
conflict more effectively.
-Watch the short video clips below and then do the activity below
with your spouse.
I statements
Repair Attempts
Requests
Activity:
1. Identify at least one of the items from the Stop list above (paragraph 4) that you
have a tendency of doing. Next identify at least one of the healthy habits from
the Start list above (paragraph 5)
that you would like to replace this bad habit with.
2. Practice rephrasing “you” statements with “I” statements
with each other.
Ex. “You always leave your wrappers everywhere!” = “I would
really appreciate it if you would make sure that your wrappers end up in the
trash once you leave an area.”
3. Practice “repair attempts” and “requests” with one
another.
Ex. “You never do anything around the house.” = “I’m sorry I
didn’t mean to say that. May I start
over? I would appreciate some help
around the house every once and a while.” Or “Will you do the dishes tonight?”
By Tawnya
By Tawnya