It is natural to desire children of
your own or to have your child naturally, but infertility sometimes times
prevents this desire from becoming reality.
Fertility treatments often reverse this otherwise reality in married couples
and they become parents. Still, some married
couples receiving fertility treatments do not experience success and remain
childless. These married couples must
decide to accept they will not be parents or they will find an alternative to
be parents.
For many married couples that
alternative is adoption. Though,
adoption may not be an easy decision for some married couples, it often becomes
the choice once they realize their
desire to be parents is stronger than their desire to be pregnant or have a
child of their own.
Once married couples have gone through
the five stages of grief, which are Stage 1: Denial, Stage 2: Anger, Stage 3:
Bargaining, Stage 4: Sadness and Stage 5: Acceptance, they are ready to pursue
adoption. This isn’t to say that all married
couples will go through the stages in order or repeat any stages. It is also normal for each spouse to
experience these stages separate from one another and at different times and
degrees.
Both husband and wife should be at
the acceptance stage before they move forward with the adoption process. It is possible and likely that both spouses
will not be on the same page at the same time.
For example, the husband may need a little more time to warm up to the
idea when the wife is ready or vice versa.
If one spouse is for adoption and the other is against or has their
doubts about it, then a conflict may result in the marriage. This is why it is important that both husband
and wife have open conversations regarding adoption. It will definitely do more harm to a marriage
to pursue the adoption process if one spouse feels pressured to move forward on
this path. In these cases time, love,
and prayer are the best medicine.
Once married couples are ready to
expand their family through adoption they should prepare themselves for the
challenges of the adoption process.
Let me reassure you that YOU can
love a non-biological child as much as a biological child. A common question that people ask themselves
concerning adoption is “Will I love my adopted child as much as I would my
biological child?” It may not be easy to
imagine, but yes you will! Love grows from attachment
and bonding. You become attached and
bond with your children as you care for them.
You develop an attachment and bond with your baby each time you hold,
kiss, feed, change, rock, and bathe them.
If you still doubt, then ask adoptive couples how they feel about their
adopted child. You are certain to confirm
the same message.
You may experience doubts along the
way as you transition toward parenthood.
My advice to you, like with anything that you don’t feel ready for, is
practice faith and search out the answers that will extinguish these doubts.
Come up with an adoption
budget. Even with adoption tax credits adopting
a child can be expensive. Deciding with your spouse how much you are willing to
spend on the adoption process is a must to avoid financial problems from
disrupting your marriage.
Tell your family and friends about
your joint decision to adopt. This type
of word of mouth sometimes can create adoption leads and opportunities. Enjoy the congratulations from family and
friends as you share your good news, together.
Agree on
what type of adoption, including: Domestic adoption, International adoption,
Foster care adoption, Private adoption, and Independent adoption. Depending on your family budget you may be
more in favor of one over another, since costs can
range from $1,000 to $50,000 for these types of adoptions. Up until recently I had always thought about
adopting an infant from a third world country, but after looking at the average
prices to adopt I am now thinking about doing a foster adoption instead. Also, consider the age of the child you both
are willing to adopt as you choose the type of adoption to pursue; the ages of
the available children may differ according to the type of adoption.
Together with your spouse choose an
agency to pursue the adoption with. It
is best to research different agencies and decide on one rather than use
multiple agencies. This can save married
couples a huge amount of stress in the long run.
Decide together with your spouse
whether or not you want a closed or open adoption. Each offers its own benefits and
drawbacks. A closed adoption allows for
privacy, but doesn’t make it easy for an adult adopted child to contact their
birth parents. An open adoption allows
the sharing of birth parent health information. It also allows birth parents
the opportunity to either visit or get pictures and letters about their child,
so that they still are in some small way involved in their child’s life; this
could be a good or bad thing depending on perspectives of what crossing the
boundaries is. Both spouses need to feel
comfortable with the type of adoption they pursue.
Gaining
approval to adopt is quite the process. Married
couples should find out about any guidelines that they should follow prior to
starting the process. Both husbands and
wives need to be prepared for the lack of privacy they will experience along
the way. They should also take into
account the amount of time and effort they will spend on required paperwork,
home visits, fingerprints, and background checks.
Focus on
the family you wish to have as you continue the adoption process. It will be trying at times, but if you ask
couples who’ve already adopted you will find that they feel their adopted child
was worth it.
Most importantly keep the faith
during the adoption process, trusting that someday you will hold your future
family member in your arms.
Activity:
-Together with your spouse, please watch the video on
‘Choosing Adoption’ from the following webpage: http://www.today.com/parents/adoption-challenges-its-worth-it-its-not-easy-8C11534082.
By Tawnya