Many elderly married individuals often spend their last
years of marriage caring for their disabled spouse. For other couples this additional marital
challenge strikes at a much earlier age or stage in their marriage. Married couples dealing with a disability can
be thrown into a completely different set of stressors than the average married
couple.
The stress of dealing with the onset of a disability is difficult for anyone, but can especially come as a sort of shock for married
couples who later experience a disability in one of the spouses.
It can be difficult to learn that your spouse, who once
could bathe themselves, can no longer do so without your assistance. For many other similar situations the
dependence can be a challenge for couples, especially those who place great
value on independence. Though, this
spousal dependence can also be an opportunity for the able spouse to serve
their non-able spouse. Service is huge in the marital dynamic
of couples dealing with a disability.
What better time to become selfless than when your spouse
requires it the most. Do things going
forward with an attitude of love and expecting nothing in return. Many times nothing can be returned in equal
form due to the disability your spouse is dealing with, but this doesn’t need
to stop you from doing what will strengthen your marriage. Continue to do for your spouse what they
cannot for themselves and look for the blessings that might go unnoticed
otherwise.
Remember that your spouse did not ask for their disability
or the challenges that their disability invites into the marriage. Don’t allow resentments to build, but instead
deal with them as they appear to help avoid harming your marriage. In these times prayer may be the only answer and the only means to provide peace
to your heavy heart. Maybe, your spouse
has grown dependent on you, if so please keep in mind that this isn’t what
either of you want; it is just the reality of things. Pray for the strength to move past the
negativity and endure the continual challenges you will face. You alone may not feel capable of what you’re
experiencing, but with a little divine intervention there is nothing that you
can handle on your plate. After all life
isn’t fair, but who says yours life together can’t be beautiful.
It is unfair to blame a spouse for not being able to meet
your needs. It is also unfair to compare
your spouse before the disability to who they are now as your spouse with a
disability. It is fair though, to give
your spouse the chance to love you how they can love you ‘now’ and in the
future. Just giving your spouse with a
disability the opportunity to show you they are still capable of loving you,
even if not to the same degree they could prior, is so beneficial to the
strength of your marriage.
Remember to focus on the ‘now’ and what the future might
bring for you and your spouse. Concern
your thoughts with what you as a couple can do, as well as what your spouse can
do individually. Yes, it is true that
things are not what they used to be and that they may never get back to the way
they were, but don’t spend you energy or time consumed by the past. You should cherish the good old days, but
should never compare them to the present.
If you do this, then you will only set yourself up for disappointment. I suggest practicing mindfulness the next
time you feel bombarded or overwhelmed by the amount of stress you are
experiencing at the moment. Live in the
present!
Married life with a disability doesn’t have to be the end of
the good old days and with the right attitude you can still enjoy the blessings
of marriage, even on the bad days. So
take the time to nurture your marriage and steal away the moments you can to be
present together.
Also, continue to date your spouse and make things happen,
instead of just hoping the fun will all of a sudden appear. Take your spouse out on spectacular night on
the town and surprise them, along with yourself on what you could be feeling
toward one another.
Please watch the following videos and then complete the
activity below:
Activity:
1. Write about a single blessing that has come due to the
fact that you or your spouse is dealing with a disability (include what it was
like before and after the blessing).
Then share what you’ve written with your spouse.
2. Think about how you can better serve your spouse and then write down one thing you will do in the
future to serve them.
3. Plan out you next date with your spouse. Decide together if you will do something that
one of you wants to do or both of you are interested in doing. Then decide whether or not you want to go out
to eat before or after the activity, along with where you will end up eating
at.
By Tawnya