I think we are all
guilty of expecting our spouse to act or think like us at one time or
another. I know that I am. I often forget that my husband grew up
differently than I did. I also forget
that our life experiences that shape us are even different. Logically, there is no way that my husband
will experience the same event the same way I will. His and my separate experiences in our lives
prevent this.
I often wonder why I
make these assumptions about him and others.
Maybe, it’s a control issues, but that’s entirely different concern.
After reading a little
from Men Are from Mars, Women Are from
Venus I have gathered an entirely new insight on the differences between
men and women. The book pointed out that
the best way to deal with the natural conflicts that arise in marriages, due to
the opposites of the sexes, is to respect these differences.
What a simple answer,
but difficult one to implement. At least
for myself, I find it a little difficult to remember that our differences are a
good thing. I think it’s due to my naïve
desire for my husband to be like me.
Really it makes complete sense to respect these obvious and not so
obvious differences, so that conflict becomes manageable instead of
overwhelming and confusing.
So what are some common
differences among men and women that might affect marriage?
I think a BIG one is
that men on average want to fix things.
If there’s a problem men tend to pride themselves in figuring out a
solution. Women on the other hand, on
average, like to nurture and improve others.
If someone’s experiencing a problem, women tend to listen to their
problem to help them.
One situation that
explains this difference is: a wife complains to her husband that she had the
worst day at work today; the husband might tell her to quit or find a better
job. The wife doesn’t want to quit and
likes her job for the most part, so she ignores either response. She actually felt better after saying her
thoughts aloud. The husband might feel
the opposite way after his wife ignores his advice and feel a bit worse than
before.
The breakdown of this
scenario is that women on average like to talk their problems aloud to help
them feel better. The wife really only
wanted her husband to listen to her and empathize as she complained. Men like to feel needed, respected, and
trusted, so when this husband offered advice his wives rejection and ignoring
of his advice hurt his feelings.
The problem being that
the husband assumed that his wife wanted a solution to her problem, when really
all she wanted was him to hear her out and support her. The solution would be that the husband just
listen to his wife complain and agree that it sounds like the worst.
The difference in men
and women speaking their problems is that men on average want advice and women
want to be listened to. The husband
assumed that his wife, a woman, wanted what he did, a man.
An alternate situation
might involve: the husband coming home from work giving his wife a quick kiss
and going straight to the couch to watch some TV. The stay at home wife follows her husband to
the couch and asks him how his day went.
He tells her it was okay, but he knows that it was a stressful day. His short answer isn’t enough for her,
because she can sense that he’s upset.
She asks further to find out why he is upset, but he reassures her that
he’s okay. She then proceeds to tell him
that he should tell her, so that he can feel better. He remains silent. At this point she is a little upset that he
doesn’t want to talk to her, when she has been waiting for him to get home so
that she could talk to him.
The breakdown of this
scenario is that men on average like to keep their struggles to themselves,
unless assistance is needed. This is the
opposite for women, who share their struggles with others and are open to their
input. On average, women feel better
after talking about it and men feel better after pondering about their problem
or forgetting it by distracting themselves with something else. For this example the husband watched TV to
forget about his stressful day at work and needed sometime alone to feel
better.
The problem is that the
wife assumed that her husband would feel better if he just opened up and
started talking about it. Along with
giving him advice, when he didn’t ask for it.
Her advice made him feel incompetent and it wasn’t what he wanted. She
just wanted to have a conversation with him when he got home and for him to
tell her what was wrong. He on the other
hand preferred to keep inside and handle it on his own, since he knew how. The wife was upset with her husband for doing
something that is a natural process for men.
The difference again
comes down to women on average feeling better once they’ve spoken what bothered
them and men feeling better after they’ve cooled down through distraction or
thinking things through in their mind.
On average men keep it in and women prefer to let it out. Men also don’t
appreciate suggestions when they haven’t asked for them, because they like to
feel like they can figure it out and do it on their own.
If we could only
remember these differences the next time we find ourselves getting upset when
our spouse does something different from what we would have done. We could save ourselves and our marriage a
world of frustration and hurt feelings.
Aside from understanding these differences we need to respect them.
We need to appreciate
the innate differences between men and women; these differences complement one
another when the timing is right.
Ultimately we need to
expect these differences to come up and correct our thinking. Before we start thinking that there is
something wrong with ourselves or our spouse lets first determine if it could
be due to differences. Remember that
your spouse and you think, act, and want differently and that this is the way
it is meant to be. Try and communicate
what you want from your spouse, especially when you feel like they are not
responding in a manner that you want.
Bringing these differences to their attention from the get go can help
you achieve the results you want that much quicker. Lastly, keep in mind that your spouse’s
efforts, effective or not, are good intentions.
My suggestion to Husbands is the next time your wife is
sharing her problem with you ask her, “Do you want my empathetic response?” or
“Do you want my advice?” It sounds dumb,
but at least you can catch yourself before you respond to her the way you would
expect to respond and be wrong – or- meet her need to be listened to.
My suggestion to Wives is the next time you feel like
offering advice ask your husband, “Do you want my advice?” This way you don’t
make him feel incompetent. If you want
to nurture him, and then possibly ask him, “Do you want my empathetic
response?”, so that he has the option to just think about it on his own terms
and in his own way to meet his need to be independent.
*For more information
on this subject check out Men
Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.
-Activity:
With your spouse practice saying the following question, “Would you like me to listen right now or are you looking for possible solutions?”
By Tawnya