Children are
blessings. We hear this saying all the
time, so what does infertility, a miscarriage or the loss of a child mean? Are these curses? No,
of course not! Miscarriages are not
meant to be punishments. I don’t believe
infertile individuals and couples are cursed; they are definitely not cursed
because they have miscarried. Today, we
now know that miscarriages occur due to biological reasons.
Though,
I can understand how feelings of helplessness and hopelessness could lead
someone to believe they are cursed because they can’t carry a pregnancy to
term. I can also understand why people
are changed by a miscarriage, especially those dealing with infertility.
Miscarrying
after experiencing the illusion of becoming parents is extremely difficult for
infertile couples. When fertility
treatments do their job it can seem unfair to end up losing the baby in the end.
Experiencing a miscarriage or
miscarriages can cause grief and pain, along with feelings of bitterness and
anger.
Couples, who
miscarry, often experience the five
stages of grief, which include: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining,
depression, acceptance. It is typical
for one spouse to experience these stages at higher levels than the other. Typically this is the wife, but not
always. It is important that couples
support one another as they journey through their shared grief. If you are the stronger spouse during this
time, then prepare yourself to catch your spouse when they fall. You are stronger collectively than
individually, so grieve together, not alone.
Watch for marital conflict or emotional withdrawal. A miscarriage is an experience that changes
individuals and couples. Be aware of any
changes in yourself and your spouse that might create conflict or distance you
from one another. Miscarriage often
times can lead individuals to pull away from their spouse. Don’t allow this to happen to you and if it
does take the necessary steps to stop it from affecting your marriage. To avoid feeling more distant from one
another try grieving together or supporting your spouse, who may be
experiencing these feelings to a greater degree than you? Engage in mutual sharing of feelings to help
create intimacy and help reduce intensity and reverse the negative effects of
these feelings.
Allow your body
to rest for a while after a miscarriage.
Your body needs time to heal from such an event. It’s okay to wait a while, at least until
your period returns, to start fertility treatments or decide what your next
step will be. Husbands can be supportive
by thinking of relaxing and restful activities to do with their wives as they heal. Together, you could give and receive neck or
foot rubs, do light yoga, go on a walk, or even take a nap.
Eat a healthy
diet, especially after a miscarriage.
Miscarriage places many demands on the body that require the right
nutrition. Consult your physician as
needed concerning your diet, risk of infection, and supporting your uterus and
liver. Husbands can also be supportive
of their wives healthy lifestyle choice by eating healthier with their wives.
Seek
assistance from your fertility clinic. Husbands
can be supportive by accompany their wives to the doctor’s appointment when
finding out the reason behind the miscarriage and to receive immediate testing. If you’re worried about your miscarriage
affecting your chances of conceiving, then get a professional opinion on the
matter. Your doctor can be a great
support, who can inform and educate you on your health concerns. Remember your fertility doctor is there to
help prepare you for your next step, whatever it may be.
Tap into faith.
Pray when you feel weak, because there is strength in God. Together, pray for peace and to be
strengthened as a couple to handle what you are experiencing. Practice faith in His healing power, so that
you may move forward. Move forward with
your life knowing that God created you with the ability to cope, because he
knew what you would face in your lifetime.
YOU possess the ability to get through this painful experience; that is
proof of His love. He equipped you before
your miscarriage to cope with the pain and stress it would cause, knowing that
coping through this crisis would make you stronger.
Life after a miscarriage will likely never be the
same for couples, especially those already experiencing infertility
issues. This difference in life can be a
positive one, if these couples take conscious steps to help this tragedy create
intimacy rather than conflict in their marriage. Remember that you are not cursed and that hope
exists.
-Please watch the following videos and answer the questions below with your spouse:
What to expect when you’re
expecting: Rosie’s miscarriage
Beyonces miscarriage story
1. Write about your experience
with a miscarriage. Be sure to include how you’ve adapted and adjusted so far.
2. Now write about what you learned
from this experience. (This may not come to mind immediately; ponder what you
gained from your crisis)