Friday, November 14, 2014

Do It to Please Not to Avoid Conflict

The number one rule is: Always do something to please your spouse; never do something to avoid your spouse’s wrath.  There’s a reason behind everything that we do.  There’s a thought to every behavior or action.  We should make sure that our priority remains trying to please our spouse and not because we want to avoid upsetting our spouse.

Some might say that it doesn’t matter why you do something; it matters more that you did it.  I disagree and I will tell you why. 

Growing up did you ever get into fights with your siblings or friends?  Suppose that you got in a fight with your with a kid from the neighborhood.  Your mom catches you and stops the fight.  She then tells you both that you need to apologize to one another.  You are sorry for hitting him, so you force out the words, “I’m sorry.”  The other kid on the other hand isn’t sorry for starting the fight and quickly says, “I’m sorry”, so he can go home.  Do you feel like he’s sorry?

I don’t feel like this kid is sorry and so to me his insincere ‘sorry’ is useless and void; he might as well just said the truth, “I’m not sorry.”  The reason I have such an issue with this is because the kid didn’t say it for the right reasons.

This is similar to the situation of a husband taking out the trash because he doesn’t want to hear his wife complain about how lazy he is; he took out the trash to avoid his wife’s criticism.  Why is this an issue?  He did a good thing, right?

Yes, taking out the trash is a good thing, but the reason behind his action is where the problem lies.  Resentments can build up if we do ‘good things’ to avoid negative consequences.  This is destructive to marriages and therefore should be avoided.

How can this husband change?  The husband in the future should change his thinking and intentions.  He should think, “Hey, my wife likes it when I take out the trash.  I think I will take out the trash to make her happy.”  This way his thought is to please and not to avoid a negative situation.  You will be building up your marriage as you continue to keep this positive attitude regarding what you do for your spouse.

Now ask yourself, “Do I want to build up my marriage or tear it down?”  Your answer will influence the way you handle your future thoughts regarding your future actions.


Watch the video below and then do the activity after:


(Pay attention to his actions and words; the ending isn’t necessarily important)


(Vince Vaughn’s character demonstrates what NOT to do)

-Activity:

Reflect on why you do things for your spouse?  Do you do them to ‘please’ or to ‘avoid’?

By Tawnya