Do you ever feel like the love you show your spouse goes unnoticed? Have you ever wondered why your spouse didn’t make such a BIG deal about what you did for them? I have experienced this feeling of confusion and frustration a time or two.
Why might I or YOU feel this way after our attempts to shower our spouses with love fail us? I believe it’s due to speaking one’s own love language and not the spouses love language. If you’ve ever read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages, then you know what I’m talking about.
For those of you, who may not understand, let me explain what love languages are. The five love languages consist of physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation. We all feel loved when our spouse speaks our primary love language from the above list. Though, we naturally speak our primary love language and may assume that our love language will be well received in the same way by our spouse. This isn’t always the case and more times than not our spouse has a different primary love language. These differences in primary love languages can cause feelings of rejection and frustration if not brought to both spouses awareness. This is why it is so important to figure out your spouse’s and your primary love language and to communicate it to your spouse. Simply doing these two things will help us avoid feeling like we can’t do anything right by our spouse and feeling loved ourselves.
I remember taking the quiz at the end of The 5 Love Languages and finding out that I my primary love language was quality time. It made sense, since I felt closer to my friends when we hung out often and felt distant from them when we didn’t hangout often. I felt loved by friends and family, who I spent the most time with. After finishing the book I tried guessing others primary love language(s). I guessed that my boyfriend’s, now husband, was physical touch because he was super affectionate and always finding ways to touch me. Though, he claimed that his primary love language is quality time as well. I’m still not fully convinced and think that he is tied between quality time and physical touch. I feel pretty blessed though, because we do share the same primary love language.
The fact that we share the same primary love language is pretty great. After all we naturally speak our primary love language to others we love. It’s been pretty easy for the most part to make one another feel loved, because we both want to spend time with one another and be together.
Other married couples may experience problems here, assuming they speak different primary love languages. If they are unfamiliar with speaking their spouses primary love language, then they may run into some conflict. They may be speaking their love language to their spouse and feeling like it’s enough. When in reality it isn’t and they need to meet their spouses primary love language before their language will ever be well received. Don’t give up if you are not accustomed to their language and instead be willing to learn.
Like I mentioned earlier, I’m fairly sure his claimed primary love language, quality time, is tied with physical touch. He seriously will come hug me while I’m doing dishes or brushing my teeth and often asks me if I want a hug, so I know he’s a hugger. I wouldn’t call myself an affectionate person and so I have had stretch myself a little to meet his need for touch. In the beginning of our relationship I had to constantly remind myself to initiate hand holding, kisses, hugs, and back scratches while we were together. Now that we’ve been married almost a year it’s become more natural for me to do these things and they are slowly becoming like second nature to me. This is why it is so important to remember that we can learn love languages that are not our primary love language.
All it takes to figure out your or your spouse’s primary love language is taking the quiz at the end of The 5 Love Languages, observing how you show love toward your spouse, and paying attention to what you request from your spouse or complain to your spouse about. If you enjoy doing things for your spouse and asking your spouse for a little help around the house or even complaining about them not helping out enough, then maybe your love language is Acts of service.
What makes us feel loved by others?
Are you a hugger? Do you enjoy holding hands, kissing, hugging, or cuddling with your spouse? Do you like giving and getting back rubs or like getting your back scratched? Maybe you like giving your favorite nephew nugies or high fiving all your colleagues
Do you have fun spending time with your spouse? Are you someone who enjoys wholesome recreational activities with the spouse? Do you like having romantic or quiet dinners you’re your spouse? Or do you make the time for loved ones?
Can you hardly wait for your birthday to come? Is it because of the presents? Do you love receiving roses or chocolates on date night? Are you excited by small or thoughtful gifts from family and friends? Do you enjoy showering others with gifts?
Acts of service
Do you tend to do your spouse’s regular chores to show your appreciation? Do you believe that people should show loved one’s they love them rather than just tell them? Are you someone who appreciates your spouse taking on your usual tasks or errands?
Words of affirmation
Are you a firm believer that people should go beyond actions and say, “I love you” to those they love? Do you enjoy hearing or even giving compliments? Do you love receiving ‘love notes’ from your spouse?
Your answers to these questions reveal a lot about you and may just help you uncovered what your primary love language is. Once you find out which one it is make sure to pass this information on to your spouse. With communication it is always better to hear requests rather than complaints, so make your primary love language known to your spouse.
If your spouse isn’t a big reader or willing to take the love languages quiz, then observe and listen to them so that you can use the process of elimination to figure them out. Once you figure out their primary love language, let them know what it is. They may agree or they may disagree and of course reveal what they feel it really is.
Remember that your marriage is worth the effort of discovering your spouses and your primary love language. When you speak your spouse’s primary love language or love languages you are making them feel loved. Feeling loved increases an individual’s marital happiness, with furthers their ability to spread the love. If you keep your spouse’s needs above your own, then you likely have your own needs met by their increased ability to give back.
*For more information check out http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.
Please watch the video below and then do the activity below, with your spouse:
- The 5 Love Languages in Action
1st: Guess your spouse’s primary love language. Write down your guess.
2nd: Identify your own primary love language and then tell your spouse what it is.
3rd: Share with your spouse what you guessed was their primary love language.